It’s Friday, and on my damn blog – that means making sure that our Gear Goddess is well sated.  We’ve tried everything from baskets of fruits and nuts to whole, live sheep.  None of our sacrificial offerings were accepted…until now.  Turns out all it takes is a day of the week - so we gave her Friday, the day most of us shag ass for the trail if our spouses will let us.

I’ve long suspected Ms. Hostetter to be omnipotent and think this link pretty much sews it up.  If you go to the backpacker magazine website:

http://www.backpacker.com/gear/ask_kristin/

(don’t cry little hiker children – I know you love it and check it every day) if the above link doesn’t work, go to the skills tab at the top of the page and then the Gear Chick link on the right side (this is a direct link to her holiness) and prepare thyself for direct hostetter empirical knowledge download.

Viva la Kristin!!!

The weekend of March 15th,  the “Analyst” and I hiked a section of the Florida Trail along the Suwannee River in White Springs, Florida.  

The weather was good and given the rarity that a father of two has time to burn (the Analyst lives with his family in Tally), we wanted to make the most of it…

“Go west young men” – And so we did, beginning our epic adventure at the Stephen Foster Cultural Center gazebo.  Wait – that sounded better in my head… 

After about a quarter of a mile, the trail flooded out – not unheard of for this time of year as spring rains in the Suwannee’s headwaters make conditions in its lower sections difficult. 

So… we turned around after briefly considering a bushwhack around the flooded area (which would have been utter insanity and so here it must be noted that bw’ing was the Analyst’s idea). After reversing directions, we headed east toward Little Shoals. 

All things considered, it was a fine hike.  We camped at a well-used site not far from the Little Shoals trailhead mentioned in the Florida Trail guidebook.  

There are a couple of real problems issues with the FT:

1. Running into sections that you have to be a member to hike. 
If you aren’t a card carrying member, you must risk being treated like a war criminal by land owners (or the military, if you’re hiking near the Eglin Air Force Base) or take an alternate road walk.  

2. Encroaching Civilization
On certain areas of the FT (and this was one of them), you may find yourself closer to civilization than you might like when camping.  We camped at a well used site and although we couldn’t SEE the vehicle traffic, we could definitely HEAR it – which was somewhat of a drag.   

In the end, we hiked as far as we could without trespassing, camped overnight and then turned back the next day (about 12 miles roundtrip).  It worked out in long run – we had great weather and the trail to ourselves.    

Check out Princeton University’s Outdoor Action website if you haven’t already.  I ran across it over the winter and thought it kicked ass, relatively speaking.  As a hiking neophyte, I thought the OA Resource Guide was pretty informative and laid out the hows and whys of stuff like layering and trail nutrition in a way that didn’t make me implode with anger, avarice, and impotent rage.  

Hot babes and Celebrity Crushes 

“She’s got it, yeah baby, she’s got it…”
~Bananarama

Well, It’s Friday, and on MY blog that means it’s Kristin Hostetter Appreciation Day.  Why? Because she’s smart, serious, cute, well published, kicks ass, and because I think she could take me in a fair fight.

Gear Geeks have secretly worshiped her for years. I can’t prove this…yet, but have you seen the Backpacker Magazine Gear School videos?!  Yes I’m talking to you over there – hiding in the corner, fondling that new titanium cookware… you know you watch them too.

Don’t even get me started on the You Tube comments because they completely miss the point – comments like, “I know the Jet Boil is faster but I still like my Trangia alcohol stove- you just can’t beat it for the weight savings.”   blah, blah, blah…

Nary a one reads: “Who is this fair Goddess of Gear??” or “Holy F&%*#!g s&$t… how can I meet this woman??!” or “zOMFG…what a hottie.” It’s disappointing really.

So…here’s this beautiful girl…nay WOMAN – who hikes, writes magazine articles & books about hiking gear, hikes, is cute, hikes, and hikes, and ACTUALLY likes to hike. So hey, you, over there- compression sacking your sleeping bag… yeah YOU! Have you ever kissed a girl, you loser?!  Good God People – WAKE UP!

I hereby declare:  “From now on, Mondays are for K.H.!  Long live Kristin Hostetter!”

::Insert the picture with the cloudy God-light beams and the mellotron “AAAAHHHHH” here…:: 

Ah yes, here it is:

O.K. I know she’s married and has kids.  But let’s face it people, K.H. is the closest thing us backpacker types have to a MILFy celebrity crush.  dealwithit.

“I like it when there are winners, but I especially like it when there are losers…”.

-Arnold Schwarzenegger on the nature of competition and pot luck dinners.

I love new gear – I really do, but the simple act of walking into a smallish, mom-and-pop kind of boutique-y outfitter makes me feel like I just got fitted for “The Blue Dress” by a gang of commission-happy employees wanting to sell me their newest Gore-Tex rain shell.  I want to scream: “You just sold me one last week, dammit!”

It’s as if the money in our pockets gets blown out of our hands by gentle, loving, alpine winds.  Everything seems to cost at least $100 dollars so from now on, lets call every g-note that leaves our hands one “Standard Unit of Gear Acquisition”, or SUGA.

Gimme some SUGA…  Want that new SteriPen water purification light?  Yes, that will be one SUGA please.  Oh, and that that new Granite Gear Nimbus Meridian pack- yeah, that will go ahead and put you pack two and a half SUGAs, thank you very much. 

Once, while shopping for a few last minute items in a local small boutique-y kind of “adventure outfitters” store,  I was chastised for trying to check out with less than one SUGA of merchandise.  “IS THAT ALL YOU’RE BUYING?”  demanded the clerk manning the counter.   It made me laugh.  I suggested to her that maybe if the cute little carabiner LED lights next to the register weren’t FIFTEEN BUCKS, I might, you know, impulse buy one… 

     Go fish.  I’m takin’ my SUGA elsewhere.

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t ya kill me…”

-Beck

I don’t have a trail name (I signed the AT register “Bare Thrylls” this in December) so I’ll answer to that or how about “Jack Gorpman?” Yeah, that’ll do, for now. 

I have a B.A. in English, which I understand to be the perfect credential for an outdoors blogger – I’ve like…you know…read Kerouac. Unfortunately, taking an undergraduate paper in literature has done little for my spelling and reading twentieth century authors like Pynchon and DeLillo will do even less for your grammatical street cred with the types of people who read books like “Eats, shoots & Leaves.”   This blog is likely to have more than one misused, mishandled or otherwise abused grammatical construction in it.  I also blow off capitalization quite frequently.  dealwithit. 

At the time I started writing this blog, I was working in the printing industry.  You know… one of those shops that actually print all that bird-cage liner we get in the mail?  Yup.  That was me.  Anyhoo….the shop life was not for me and I got fired for having a bad attitude.  (refer to the quote at the top of page).   

I really love hiking, camping and the outdoors, so the idea here is to get on board with the whole blog thing, get out there and open my big mouth.  I suppose I could find another job or just stay home watching pornos all day but where’s the fun in all that?